Change

In college it was people asking me: what’s your name, your major, and what year are you in?

Now in post-grad life it’s: what do you do? Oh and what’s your name again?

I’m totally not being bitter at all. Not one bit. I mean, I told my dad that I feel like a prostitute to the capitalistic society ­– a WHORE, mind you – but no, I don’t resent myself!

Ok, so aside from my sarcasm, I have to seriously admit that I am very grateful to have a job. After I graduated from college, I did some internships here and there, but time began to dissolve. I was convinced that I was never going to be employed and days would keep melting onto the next forever and ever.

There’s this song by The Smiths called “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” I am a lot happier than how I felt back when I was searching for a job – nine months in total, which is like being pregnant ­– but I am not satisfied. I have an office job, and the people whom I work with are pretty kind. The job pays the bills, but I am not rolling around in a Beemer, sipping $15 mimosas before heading back to my own sparkling penthouse in Beverly Hills. (Actually, I hope no one is because that’d be drinking and driving!)

I think the dissatisfaction that I’ve been feeling is from the boredom, restlessness, and anxiety I feel every day. What’s next? What do I do now? How do I begin? All of these questions are too heavy for me to bear. But perhaps one gets dissatisfied and unhappy precisely because they need change in their lives again.

I hate change, though. I feed off of routines and I like to know what’s coming next; I despise surprises. It’s funny because you’d think I’d want change since I’m not particularly liking where I’m at in my life right now. And yet the unknown is such a frightening territory for me that I’d rather dwell here in the land of predictability and be safe no matter how boring it is.

I am jealous of my friends who are in grad school. I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do because although I’ve been out of college now for almost two and a half years, I still don’t know what I’d want to study in the graduate level.

I’m writing this to hopefully ignite the will and bravery in myself to elicit change. I don’t think there’s this 100% capacity of both will and guts you have to fill before taking action. A lot of the times it’s just really trying your best with the hope that you’ll somehow be okay. I want to be more than okay, though – I want to be what Ina Garten squeals at her glorious food: fabulous. And I realize there’s a lot of work to get to that point, and that it’s not about the destination anyway, it’s about the journey, and be happy don’t worry, live, laugh, love (oh god), but I haven’t even started my “journey,” I don’t think – and I don’t even know where I’m going. I just know that I need to get going.

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